Jokes, any will do

[Mae]

What do Lesbians and Dogs have in common?

They both have wet noses

 

[Koala]

 

[UnicornSteps]

My girlfriend tells me I have 2 major faults.

I don't listen - and something else.

 

[UnicornSteps]

I just saw a robber go into a Bank with an elasticated stocking over his head

It was a hold up

 

[UnicornSteps]

I moved into a bungalow recently.

I was going to move into a house, but that’s another storey!

 

[UnicornSteps]

If laxatives are out of date does that just make them better?

 

[Adie]

 

[Just-me]

 

[Cazz]

 

[Starbuck]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 

[Starbuck]

 

[Firefly]

 

[silentfem]

just a creepy joke

 

[silentfem]

for boob lovers

 

[JohnM]

 

[LinusVP]

 

[Starbuck]

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far away and would walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the shops and bought a bucket and gallon of paint. He then called at a friends farm and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home? While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 16 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that address. I'd walk you there if I didn't have this lot to carry."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm an d carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk her home.
On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked at him cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Hang on a minute lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Well put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[UnicornSteps]

Did you know Albert Einstein had a
younger brother named Frank?

He was a Monster.

 

[UnicornSteps]

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles...

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

 

[UnicornSteps]

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.

Then it just CLIX.