Jokes, any will do

Discussion in 'General' started by Kris1973, Feb 9, 2019.

  1. Kris1973

    Kris1973 UKChat Familiar

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    Good jokes bad jokes all welcome.

    During the last weeks snowfalls a guy got hold of his neighbour and said "Your son had a pee in the snow outside my house last night".
    "Theirs nothing wrong with that is there?"
    "Well he wrote his name in the snow."
    "Oh come on we've all done that!"
    "Yes but it was in my daughters handwriting!"
     
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  2. Kris1973

    Kris1973 UKChat Familiar

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    Guts or Balls

    There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. However, do they know the difference between them?

    Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

    GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

    I trust this clears up any confusion.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
     
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  3. Kris1973

    Kris1973 UKChat Familiar

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    My wife has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh, If you put your
    ear to it you can smell the sea!
     
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  4. Ali75

    Ali75 UKChat Familiar

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    Knotted! Brilliant xxx
     
  5. Ali75

    Ali75 UKChat Familiar

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    Guy goes to the dentist.
    The dentist asks"sir have you just had oral sex?"
    The man giggles , putting hi's hand up to his mouth and asks "ooh why? Do I have a pube stuck in my tooth?
    Dentist: "no sir u have shit on your nose"!
     
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  6. Kris1973

    Kris1973 UKChat Familiar

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    Screenshot_20181223_023959.jpg
     
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  7. Kris1973

    Kris1973 UKChat Familiar

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  8. Kris1973

    Kris1973 UKChat Familiar

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    I was having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
    I have no idea who let her into my office.
     
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  9. Kris1973

    Kris1973 UKChat Familiar

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    Our Jake met an older woman in the pub last Friday night. She looked pretty good for 55, in fact he said she was rather hot. Then he got thinking whilst drinking with her, perhaps she's got a hot daughter at home as well...
    After a few more drinks she asked him, "Have you ever had a sportsman's double?"
    "Whats that?" Jake asked.
    "It's a mother and daughter threesome, would you like to come back to mine?"
    Well Jake couldn't wait, and quickly finished his drink and hand-in-hand soon left the pub.
    As they walked through her door, she turned the hall light on and shouted up the stairs...
    "Mum are you still awake?"
     
  10. Kris1973

    Kris1973 UKChat Familiar

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    When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...
    I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
     
  11. Kris1973

    Kris1973 UKChat Familiar

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    The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
    Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
    Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"
    God said, "Ah, yes."
    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."
    God was somewhat taken back, and when he asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for him to read:
    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
    4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally
    5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
    "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that my invention is flawed..." God said to Arthur.
    "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding my invention than yours."
     
  12. Stevie76

    Stevie76 UKChat Newbie

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    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer , and i don't know what he's laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
     
  13. Stevie76

    Stevie76 UKChat Newbie

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    What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?….….............................
    One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter! Lol
     
  14. Stevie76

    Stevie76 UKChat Newbie

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    A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says " we don't serve string here, sorry." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends, walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says " aren't u the little piece of string that was here a few minutes ago?"
    And the string says " no sir, I'm a frayed knot" :)
     
  15. Stevie76

    Stevie76 UKChat Newbie

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    What did the pirate say when he turned 80 ??......... Ayyyyye matey! Lol

    How does jesus make tea??......
    Hebrews it. Lol

    How do you make tissue dance??......
    Put a little boogie in it.!! Lol

    What did the buffalo say to his boy when he left for college??.............
    Bison!!!!
     
  16. Smeghead

    Smeghead UKChat Newbie

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    Paddy- "The names Bond"
    Girl- "James Bond?"
    Paddy- " No! Unibond im here to fill your crack!"
     

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