Jokes, any will do

[dicusdiminutivus]

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Father: Well you know mom and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way.
Daughter: So what's "penetrating gays?"
Father: Er, read me the whole sentence.
Daughter: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."
Father: Oh.

 

[UnicornSteps]

Rishi Sunak has announced plans for people to learn maths until 18.

I stopped at 16, I don't see what difference 3 years will make

 

[UnicornSteps]

My teacher always said not to worry about proper spelling, because we have autocorrect. And for this I am...

...infernally grapefruit!

 

[UnicornSteps]

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling.


But you guys didn't like it.

 

[dicusdiminutivus]

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling.


But you guys didn't like it.

Time's passed

 

[Mae]

 

[Kris1973]

My kids think I use outdated technology… But they're just ignoring the fax!

 

[Kris1973]

Sex is like math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply

 

[Kris1973]

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe… Just their standard naan disclosure agreement!

 

[Kris1973]

Today I found out that Dwayne Johnson lives in the flat above mine… Can’t believe that for years I've been living under a Rock!

 

[Kris1973]

First gym session after the Christmas hols last night. The instructor was shouting, "Push it, push it, come on one more big push." Finally he came over and opened the door for me!

 

[Kris1973]

I got a Labrador puppy at Xmas but realised pretty quickly that my girlfriend is allergic to her & as a result I'm going to have to give her up. I dont want money, I just need to know she's gone to a good home. Her name is Olivia, she's 42, decent figure and a good cook!

 

[Kris1973]

 

[Kris1973]

 

[Kris1973]

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing this paint residue, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.

Ornithological Behaviourists wondered if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of lorry kills versus car kills. They quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry".

 

[Kris1973]

What gets longer when it's pulled... Fits between breasts... Inserts neatly into a hole... And works best when jerked?




A seat belt!

 

[Adie]

 

[Adie]

 

[Adie]

 

[UnicornSteps]

[Walks into bookstore]

Me: Do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.