Jokes, any will do

[Kris1973]

 

[dicusdiminutivus]

I mowed the lawn the other day (late May), and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

 

[dicusdiminutivus]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

“My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who I made love to on the snooker table with all my mates watching, while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

 

[dicusdiminutivus]

 

[Shyspara]

Imagine my face when at the same age my grandfather from stoke on Trent told me he was a sagger makers bottom knocker.

 

[Adie]

 

[dicusdiminutivus]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand.

He embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched, with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.

He said to the husband, "Can you do this?"

The husband said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

 

[Shyspara]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand.

He embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched, with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.

He said to the husband, "Can you do this?"

The husband said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

 

[Stung]

As a circumcision surgeon the wage is brilliant but the tips are better

 

[Kris1973]

 

[Kris1973]

 

[Shyspara]

Ooo bought my first spanner from a snap on tools van working at a zGarage at Great Casterton near Stamford in 1974

 

[Kris1973]

Ooo bought my first spanner from a snap on tools van working at a zGarage at Great Casterton near Stamford in 1974

Bet you're still paying for it as well

 

[Enigma47]

Imagine my face when at the same age my grandfather from stoke on Trent told me he was a sagger makers bottom knocker.

Highly skilled job in the pot-banks in Burslem (honest!)

 

[dicusdiminutivus]

I just got back from Lidl's and I have to share this!

I found myself behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, crisps, all sorts of things.

The granddad was saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”

Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William.

Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, lad.”

At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the shopping cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax matey, don’t get upset.

We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

I said to the Grandad, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there.

I don’t know how you did it!"

"That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”

“Thanks,” said the Granddad, “But I’m William.

That little shit’s name is Kevin."

 

[Firefly]

I just got back from Lidl's and I have to share this!

I found myself behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, crisps, all sorts of things.

The granddad was saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”

Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William.

Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, lad.”

At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the shopping cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax matey, don’t get upset.

We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

I said to the Grandad, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there.

I don’t know how you did it!"

"That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”

“Thanks,” said the Granddad, “But I’m William.

That little shit’s name is Kevin."

#imwilliam

 

[Magicminx]

 

[Magicminx]

 

[shambles925]

 

[Nibbles]