Jokes, any will do

[Hungryhubby]

A man goes to see his doctor while wrapped in clingfilm.

The doc says "I can see you're nuts quite clearly"

The man then complains about his dreams. He tells the doc that he dreams about having sex with cheese biscuits. The doc replies "that's because you're fucking crackers!"

I'll get mi coat....

 

[Magicminx]

 

[Hot4u]

 

[Hot4u]

 

[shambles925]

 

[Hot4u]

 

[Magicminx]

 

[Magicminx]

 

[dicusdiminutivus]

 

[dicusdiminutivus]

 

[Ctid]

Got to laugh

 

[Ctid]

No means no

 

[shambles925]

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, “I have some very bad news for you. I’m afraid that you’re afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.”
So the guy asks, “Well isn’t there ANYTHING I can do, doc?”
“Hmmm…. maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths.” The doctor tells the patient.

“Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?”
“Probably not… but at least you’ll get used to being covered in dirt!”

 

[shambles925]

Three people want to get into heaven.

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf.

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St Nicholas smiles and lets her in.

St Nick looks to the next person who reaches into their pockets and pulls out a set of keys.

St Nick, amused, laughs and says “Tell me how this relates to Christmas”

“They jingle, like jingle bells” they reply.

St Nick, pleased lets them in.

St Nick looks to the last person, and asks “What have you brought for me”

The man, looking pleased reaches into his pocket and pulls out a skimpy pair of knickers.

St Nick, bewildered and red in the face demands an explanation.

“What on earth! How does this relate to Christmas?”

The man replied, “they’re Carols.”

 

[Cazz]

 

[Stretchit]

Just had quite a few good laughs, thanks all.

 

[Stretchit]

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.​

"Something that buzzes and is guaranteed to drive me crazy" she replied.

So I bought her a pet mosquito.

 

[Adie]

 

[shambles925]

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”
“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.
The woman reaches into her purse and takes out a hidden camera photo of her own husband sleeping with the pharmacists wife.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you had a prescription”

 

[dicusdiminutivus]