Jokes, any will do
- Thread starter Kris1973
- Start date
P
Paul69s
Guest
P
Paul69s
Guest
U
UnicornSteps
Guest
My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out.
No word yet.
No word yet.
U
UnicornSteps
Guest
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats buoyant.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats buoyant.
U
UnicornSteps
Guest
My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.
When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.
When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.
U
UnicornSteps
Guest
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I’m shitting bricks to be honest.
I’m shitting bricks to be honest.
shambles925
UKChat Expert
- Joined
- Dec 31, 2019
- Messages
- 11,449
- Reaction score
- 13,564
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy,
“Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies,
“I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.”
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot,
“Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out,
“I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest,
“Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
“Just a minute,” says the good father.
“That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?”
“Up here – we go by results,” says Saint Peter.
“When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.”
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy,
“Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies,
“I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.”
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot,
“Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out,
“I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest,
“Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
“Just a minute,” says the good father.
“That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?”
“Up here – we go by results,” says Saint Peter.
“When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.”
dicusdiminutivus
UKChat Expert
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2021
- Messages
- 4,529
- Reaction score
- 1,540
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says, “Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…”
Billy says, “I'm fine, Mommy… I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says, “ Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, “It works for ketchup."
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says, “Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…”
Billy says, “I'm fine, Mommy… I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says, “ Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, “It works for ketchup."
P
