Top Tips

[GrumpyOldishMan]

It has come to Grumpy's attention that, although this is primarily a chat site, a significant proportion of chatters are actively seeking hook-ups.

Although no longer seeking such shenanighans himself, it's fair to say, that Grumpy has, historically, 'worn out the t-shirt' in this regard.

So, in the style of Viz - here are some 'Top Tips' for all you would-be shaggers;



Take every opportunity to WHINE about your experiences on the site so far. You will find that prospective matches love being tarred with the same brush and constant complaining is a very attractive trait in a potential shagging partner. 'Success' is sure to follow.

Attract a date by using a filter to ALTER your pics. It's not obvious and they'll never spot it. Then, if you are a particularly mischievous individual, constantly reference 'honesty' in your chats.

Wherever possible, refer to yourself in the 3rd person. This will reassure potential partners that you are not some kind of MENTALIST and make them feel safer as they ponder the prospect of meeting up with you to do the dirty.

Use precise terms like 'normal' wherever possible. There is absolutely no room for misunderstanding then because, everybody, in the whole WORLD, perceives 'normal' exactly the same way that you do. This will make you seem intelligent and attract a more thoughtful shagging partner.

Be sure to choose your chat nickname carefully. Ideally, you want one that demonstrates your sexual prowess and your personality. It is a proven fact that 97.2% of chatters BELIEVE chat nicknames are accurate and descriptive. Grumpy had a lot of success using the nickname 'KingDongShagnasty69'. This nickname is now out of use and available.


Follow these 3 simple steps and, before you can say Gonorrhoea, you will be doing more shagging that Jack the Rabbit on national shagging day.

 

[GrumpyOldishMan]

Find out if a potential fuck-buddy is VEGAN by asking any question whatsoever. If they are vegan, this fact will be incorporated into their answer.


Remember - every hole is a GOAL

 

[Firefly]

I also have noticed that shag partners don't want any time to plan or prepare and it is best to look for people who are ready to shag NOW (or tonight). Anyone who wants to arrange things, for lets say next Tuesday, is a catfish and a liar. And not worth your time.

 

[IncognitoSCN]

Hold up hold up..
Quick chat with a chance to fuck is one way of finding ways to get laid..
And I have to agree with some of the original thread but..
Ive been in here for years and I know that there are different ways of getting laid..
Without any doubt I have learned that different horses suit different courses..
Those who want to fuck right now are probably going to get what they want..
Those who are looking for attention next week are probably just looking for attention but a percentage of them are genuine..
Then there are the serious types who filter out the idiots to make a plan for the future with serious people and make a plan to get together for a proper good session, with a complete understanding and openness about their needs..
Think about what type of person you are and always be safe.. making connections with people in here and chatting privately to make a plan is the best way forward.

 

[HardAnal]

I'll also add to this..

Assert your authority and dominance over all the women by calling them SLUTS and SLAGS upon entering the room. They absolutely love being called random insults by strangers. Gets them totally dripping.

Make sure you show how strong you are to the men too! They need to know that you are the alpha of the room. Insulting their genitallia and making the suggestion that you fucked their mother tends to do the trick.

While chatting, Make sure you message every woman that comes in with the same line. The best lines are those which are straight to the point, such as "Bend over, I'm gonna blast your ass!" - The women will have no clue that you use the same line to everyone, the thrill of recieving such smut is so exciting for them.

If all this fails, you can always announce in the main room your location and intentions for sex, this is a sure-fire way to get any woman who lives within driving distance from you instantly wet with anticipation.

 

[Firefly]

if "Bend over, I'm gonna blast your ass!" doesn't get you traction. I recommend the more subtle "hi". I know I cant resist a two letter greeting.

 

[HardAnal]

If your PM goes unreplied to, be sure to message again and again. Announce in the main room to your intended target that you have sent them a PM too. They have clearly forgotten you sent it and this gentle reminder will make them instantly reply.

Any woman that has the audacity to talk in the main room clearly is seeking immediate hookup. Be cool. Don't flirt with them, they are expecting that. Instead, PM them a picture of your dick. They will be instantly wet and gagging for your cock. Then you can swoop in and seal the deal.

Remember, all the women on this site are horny little sex pests who clearly are gagging for a shag. It's why we are all here after all. Don't take no for an answer. Who cares if they are married, have a job, have other commitments. Make it known to them that you don't accept those excuses not to bend over and drop their knickers for you immediately.

If all of my chat tips fail you. Make sure you also call anyone who refuses you a FRIGID BITCH. This will clearly let them know that they are the problem while assuring your dominance and security of you innate manly sexuality.

 

[GrumpyOldishMan]

Absolute GOLD DUST



(Grumpy hopes all you wanna be shaggers are taking notes)

 

[HardAnal]

With our tips Grumpy, they'll be knee deep in clunge in no time.

 

[GrumpyOldishMan]

Keep reaching for the stars.


Never be put off by the fact that the thread you are replying to was posted in 2020 and the 'horny female' who is DESPERATE to 'have her holes filled' (or whatever) hasn't logged into the site since 2021.

IP address monitoring has established that more than 95% of these 'horny females' have, in fact, been checking the forum (as guests) 2/3 times a day, ever since - obviously in the hope that this will be the day you decide to reply and post a 'sexy' snap of your (Ideally unwashed) knackers.


Keep at it kiddo's.

 

[IncognitoSCN]

HardAnal is far more of the ram raid and Bull in the China shop type of guy..lmao it's all good advice though.. definitely make sure you have regular people who you chat with, it's a good idea to consider your usual time for logging on.. if you're regular with a few hours each night then you will find other regulars who visit during this period, so make a connection

 

[Firefly]

New top tips hot off the press:

Only be available when you are horny. Guys dig it.

 

[HardAnal]

As a man seeking a woman, you definetly don't want to display any sort of personality or intelligence. The women on here aren't after that at all. You should limit your responses to monosyllabalistic grunts and short responses. The best response to any woman showing a modicum of intelligence is to completely ignore what she says and reply "TITS NOW"

Another great tactic is to repeatedly spam the room with whatever your perverted desire is that day. "Any gurl wanna watch me wank" is sure to get the juices flowing and activate the sex receptors in their brains of the women present. They'll be falling over themselves to get to you, ripping off their clothes and wrestling each other in jelly paddling pools for the right to view your webcam privately.

Remember though, with this great responsibility, you have got to be as equally impressive downstairs. No one wants a bang average penis. So remember to exaggerate your manhood. Hardly anyone knows how big an inch is anyway. Say it's at least double figures and as girthy as a Pepsi can. Every woman on the planet, no matter how tight, can stretch themselves to accomodate that.

While on the subject of exaggeration, be aware that every single woman on this site LOVES musclebound hulks of men who have the ability to snap them in two like a twig. Every. Single. One. Getting in shape is hard to do so you're best off googling some pictures of perfect male bodies for them to swoon over. As long as no face is visable, they will be none the wiser. Make sure you choose the most popular ones on Google, that way they'll know you are telling them the truth and all the other men that have used exactly the same picture are filthy liars.

Happy Hunting

 

[GrumpyOldishMan]

New top tips hot off the press:

Only be available when you are horny. Guys dig it.

So, following on from the wise words above ......


Some advanced level stuff now for all you male would-be Shaggers.




There are times when a lady is NOT horny. Take a moment to understand this concept - then read on.

(If you are still struggling to understand, think about how you yourself felt immediately after the last time you spilled your rancid seed all over your laptop, further clogging up the keys).




This weird 'NOT horny' state can be completely unrelated to your MANLINESS, the quality of the stolen internet pics you present as yourself, or the lady's sexual orientation. It is not an attack.




If you find yourself in this situation, EXTRICATE yourself from the interaction immediately as she is obviously menstruating and almost certain to become homicidal/emotional at any moment. Simply ignore her completely for a couple of days and before you know it, she'll once again be desperate for your WANG.

 

[Firefly]

So, following on from the wise words above ......


Some advanced level stuff now for all you male would-be Shaggers.




There are times when a lady is NOT horny. Take a moment to understand this concept - then read on.

(If you are still struggling to understand, think about how you yourself felt immediately after the last time you spilled your rancid seed all over your laptop, further clogging up the keys).




This weird 'NOT horny' state can be completely unrelated to your MANLINESS, the quality of the stolen internet pics you present as yourself, or the lady's sexual orientation. It is not an attack.




If you find yourself in this situation, EXTRICATE yourself from the interaction immediately as she is obviously menstruating and almost certain to become homicidal/emotional at any moment. Simply ignore her completely for a couple of days and before you know it, she'll once again be desperate for your WANG.

Ok. This is actually wise words to live your life by .

 

[GrumpyOldishMan]

Ok. This is actually wise words to live your life by .

You heard it here first Kiddo's

 

[GrumpyOldishMan]

Never acknowledge the possibility of irony. Take compliments in your stride. They are to be expected and should not usually be acknowledged as this would suggest you might be flattered by them, thereby making yourself appear WEAK and UNMANLY.

 

[YorkshireGent]

This is quickly becoming my fave thread on the site. Well done all.

 

[Koala]

....and suddenly the entire site makes sense!!

#GrumpyWisdom ♡

That's exactly what I thought.
(my hands are shaking a bit)
#GrumpyWisdom ♡

 

[Koala]

@JessYorks
“From small beginnings come great things.”
Until now Ive been living by this fortune cookie wisdom since the late 90s.
(Between us girls. I still remember the bedsit where it suddenly made sense)