Jokes, any will do

[Kris1973]

A pirate walks into his local bar...

He has just returned from a long venture out at sea and hasn’t been there for a while.

The bartender sees him and immediately screams, “Holy hell, what happen to your leg?”

Pirate: “What do you mean?”

Bartender: “What do I mean?! you got a bloody piece of wood where your leg was!”

Pirate: “Argh right, I had almost forgotten. You see, me and my crew found ourselves in a great battle out at sea. I was at the wheel when all of a sudden, a cannon ball took me leg clean off.”

Bartender: “And what about your hand?”

Pirate: “My hand?”

Bartender: “Yes your hand, in case you didn’t notice there is a hook where your hand was!”

(Side joke, where do pirates get their hooks? A second hand store)

Pirate: “Argh, right you are! It was that same battle. I was hobbling along getting ready to board the enemy’s ship when all of a sudden a musket ball took me hand clean off!”

Bartender: “And, your eye? I trust you realize you are wearing an eye patch now?”

Pirate: “Yes, you see, it was a few days after that battle. I was resting under a palm tree on a beautiful beach. I heard a noise above me so I looked up and a bloody seagull crapped right in me eye!”

Bartender: “And that caused you to lose your eye?!”

Pirate: Well no, but it was the first day with the hook.”

 

[Kris1973]

I bought the wife some walkie talkies for our anniversary but she wasn't impressed. "Walkie talkies are the least romantic anniversary gift ever. This relationship is over," she said. I replied, "This relationship is what? Over."

 

[Kris1973]

If two vegans have an argument is it still called a 'beef'? Or is it a quornfrontation?

 

[Kris1973]

I wonder if Spanish people sit around and watch a programme called 'A place in the pissing rain'…

 

[Kris1973]

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

 

[Kris1973]

 

[Kris1973]

 

[Fonicman]

Don’t blame him !!

 

[Magicminx]

 

[Fonicman]

Morning xx

 

[shambles925]

Morning xx

Wrong thread. There is one however for gifs

 

[dicusdiminutivus]

I'm still wondering what to do with a very aging 18 inch pianist.

 

[Adie]

 

[Magicminx]

 

[Adie]

 

[Adie]

 

[Cazz]

 

[Cazz]

 

[Firefly]

 

[Shywife]

You’ll be pleased to hear last of my contributions from the 1980 university of Kent ragmag

newly wedded couple on their wedding night getting undressed together for the first time. Husband says I hope you wont be disappointed but I have a medical condition.
he takes his socks off and the wife gasps is that it? He says no I had toelio as a child
he drops his trousers down to his ankles she says poor you is that it? he says no that was kneesels
he removes his underpants and she says don’t tell me you had smallcox as well

will stop now honestly.