Jokes, any will do

[Scottishlass07]

 

[Bigjugs]

 

[Odomical]

Bloke goes into a pub with his pet monkey and orders a pint
While hes drinking it the monkey runs round, eating anything it can grab, nuts and crisps off the bar, wallets, peoples lunches etc even a billiard ball.
Barman says 'Did you see that? Your monkeys eating everything.. even one if my billiard balls!'
Drinker just says 'Yeah, he'll eat anything.' Then pays for everything and leaves.

A week later same bloke goes back to the same pub, with his pet monkey. He orders another drink. The monkey sees a dish of walnuts, picks one up, inserts it in its bum then proceeds to eat the walnut.

Barman says 'thats disgusting.. did you just see what your monkey did?'

Bloke says 'yea, he'll eat anything.. but after the incident with the billiard ball he now measures stuff first.

 

[shambles925]

 

[shambles925]

 

[shambles925]

Can’t see it mate you may have to post again

 

[Hot4u]

The other day I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.
On reflection I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.

 

[Hot4u]

My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”
She said, “How about now?”

 

[Hot4u]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

 

[Hot4u]

Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

 

[Hot4u]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls

 

[Hot4u]

I'm a mailman. At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread. After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more." She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined. I told her I had no idea she felt this way. She said, "I don't." I ask, "What was all this about?" She says, "I asked the husband what to give the mailman." He said, "Screw the mailman, breakfast was my idea."

 

[Hot4u]

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped."

 

[Hot4u]

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

 

[Hot4u]

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."

 

[Hot4u]

 

[Hot4u]

 

[Hot4u]

 

[Hot4u]

 

[Hot4u]