My wife spent an hour and a half getting ready to go out last night. Finally the bathroom door opened and she said, "Do l look fat in this?"
I said, "Yes, but to be fair it is a small bathroom!"
My wife and I are getting really sick of this guy randomly leaping out from under the table,raising a glass of sherry and saying "Here's to you both,long may you live and prosper".
Maybe a pop-up toaster wasn't such a good idea after all.....
So this fella in the pub sold me a rare, antique map of the Sahara Desert for only £20 last night....
This morning when I sobered up I realised that it was a sheet of sandpaper...
Whenever it's sunny, I go to the pub to keep cool.
Rain? Off to the pub to keep dry.
Snow? Off to the pub to keep warm.
I'm worried I may have a problem with weather.……
I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."
"What?.." He answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five 'o' clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"
"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."